Prodigal Teacher Zac Rueth Announces Long Awaited Return

Whether through memories of the resounding statement, "You're on my time now," followed by a furtive glance down at a bulky Walmart watch from under triangle eyebrows, or fond recollections of open abuse from students to teacher, we all remember Zac Rueth, the now estranged English "teacher" from back in middle school. Now, after several years of wandering the globe, living off the land, and soul searching, Rueth makes his long awaited return to Gibraltar. With the loss of Gibraltar's heroes, Shirley Mann and Paul Bremel, the school has found its staff understaffed and a little less than entertained. To spice things up a little, the administration has decided to bring back someone who already has experience with Gibraltar students. Rueth rejoins the Door County community with unbridled enthusiasm, saying, "I just missed you all so much! I mean, ever since those girls wrote a play about my murder for a 7th grade English assignment, I just knew I belonged here." His comments were cut short by a fit of baa-ing and scuffing the ground with his hooves. Housing for Rueth has been provided by Al Johnson's, as bountiful grazing space was a necessity. Rueth will make his return in the fall of 2012, and will be teaching Ancient Mythology and AP Biology: Hooved Mammals. Needless to say, the student body is buzzing with anticipation of their beloved mentor.
"It's like an early graduation present!" says junior, Megan Swain. "Spending my last year of at Gibraltar with Mr. Rueth was truly the only thing my highschool experience was lacking. Being able to realize that dream is more than I could ever imagine."
Eyes water with nostalgia as other students reminisce about their experiences with the acclaimed educator.
"He's always been a role model for me," sniffles Ainsley Nelson, another former student of Rueth's. "His constant control of the class, his leadership, his incredible fashion sense.. I'm sorry.. I need a moment."
It is very important for young students to be able to look up to their teachers as intelligent and mature adults. Gibraltar administrators have clearly taken a step in the right direction with this decision, and the entire community is waiting with enormous excitement for the start of the new school year.

Swimsuit Model/ Drug Lord: My Kind of Woman.

37 year old swimsuit model Simone Farrow was arrested in Queensland, Australia last week, after being accused of shipping the drug methamphetamine around the world via Fed Ex and other postal services.
Farrow has used over 19 different aliases over past years, but pleads innocent saying, "The only reason I've done this is because someone was trying to murder me." Farrow blames various shady ex boyfriends for her covert activities, claiming that they felt "threatened by her situation." Under the stage name Simone Starr, Farrow has been modeling and promoting herself as a singer/songwriter on her website for years, all the while dealing crystal meth disguised in bath salts to clients around the world. Authorities say the business definitely involved a number of other people, but Farrow was found to be the brains of the operation. And we thought Walter White was the most unanticipated drug dealer.

 

http://gma.yahoo.com/swimsuit-model-accused-heading-international-drug-ring-captured-074059591--abc-news.html 

Basketball Dad Gets "Like Mike" Tyson, That Is. He's an Ear Biter.

 As we all know, 6th grade basketball is a ridiculously important part of life, and it is totally necessary to do whatever it takes to allow your team to win. 34 year old Timothy Forbes thought so anyway, when he attacked the coach of the team that had beaten his son's team. Police say Forbes pushed aside several ten and twelve year olds to get to the opposing coach, who he viciously attacked, biting off part of his ear. Several other parents tried to pull him away, but he fled the scene before the police arrived. The coach was rushed to the hospital where the ear was surgically reattached, good as new. Forbes turned himself into the Springfield courthouse and, naturally, pleaded not guilty to the array of charges he was facing, including assault and battery, disorderly conduct,and  felony mayhem.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/13/parent-bit-off-coach-ear_n_1341380.html?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl6%7Csec1_lnk3%26pLid%3D143104 

Chinese Man Lives in Cage

If he's not a werewolf, and he doesn't have wicked step parents, what is it that causes 23 year old Wei Yun to be locked in a wooden cage all day? Born with both physical and mental problems, Yun could neither stand nor walk since birth. One day during his youth, Yun was crawling around unattended, and knocked over a pot of boiling water, causing him nearly fatal injuries. Terrified Yun would do something else to harm himself while left by himself, Yun's parents locked him in a wooden cage in his bedroom, so that they can go out and work and provide for the family. He has been there ever since. Yun's parents say it was difficult to make this decision for their son, but it was for his own safety. And he doesn't look like he minds it all that much, so, whatever works I guess. 

 

(Ainsley's Future Husband)

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/03/06/chinese-man-locked-in-cage-all-day-for-his-own-safety_n_1323280.html?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl4%7Csec1_lnk3%26pLid%3D140899

Never Too Old For Ponies

An Olympic competitor since 1964, Hiroshi Hoketsu knows what it means to never give up on doing what you love. Hoketsu was born in Japan in 1942, and became the oldest Olympian to compete in the Beijing Olympics in 2008. At the ripe old age of 70, Hoketsu is back in the game, as he qualified last Saturday to compete in London. Hoketsu has been working with horses his entire life, and has won numerous awards and competitions, show jumping aboard his 15 year old horse Whisper. Not only could does this stud teach us all a thing or two about never giving up on our dreams, but about being a successful athlete as well. Let's hear it for Japanese healthcare!

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/olympics-fourth-place-medal/70-old-equestrian-olympic-miracle-174136391.html

My Dad is a Secret Criminal

Until February 8th, 2012, Edward Maher's family believed him to be your average Missouri man. Maher, 56, has lived with his wife and two sons in Kansas City, MO for years, running a traditional and respectable household, so it came as a small bit of a shock when he was arrested two weeks ago and charged with being and international fugitive, accused of stealing a $1.5 million fortune in Britain in 1993. Maher had been working as a security guard for an armored truck company, but had fled the country after committing this major felony. He was able to evade arrest and lead a reasonably normal life for nearly 20 years by holding inconspicuous jobs, making sudden, frequent, cross country moves, and paying in cash only. The family lived in comfort, and were described by neighbors to appear not overly wealthy, but frequent spenders. They avoided keeping money in banks, and it turns out they were also in debt to the IRS over $3,000. Maher's adult son Lee, 23, claims he knew nothing about his father's criminal past, and his wife refused to comment on the matter. British police have requested that Maher. nicknamed "Fast Eddie," be returned to his home country to be dealt with there, but this process could take up to several months. Maher's wife stated that they would follow her husband wherever he went, so I guess this wasn't really all that big a breach of trust after all.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/20/british-fugitive-eddie-maher_n_1289457.html?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl9%7Csec1_lnk3%26pLid%3D137031#s711114

Simple Names Lead to More Success in Life

Over the years, dozens of studies have been conducted on how a person's name affects them throughout life. It has been concluded that children with popular names (Jacob, Sophia, Michael)  get into less trouble with the law, boys with unisex names are more likely to be suspended from school, and even that girls with more feminine names, like Alice or Marie are less likely to pursue a career in math or science. Recently, it was determined that children with easy-to-pronounce names are more likely to be generally successful in life. Take Bill Gates for example. By common pronunciations and simple spelling, his name is incredibly easy to say. Studies show that when evaluating applications for a job interview, employers choose applicants with easy or simple names. Names with racial connotations or clearly expressed nationality are associated with negative feelings of complication and malfunction. Maybe now those quirky parents longing for originality with think twice about naming their baby Kyishaiwnnae or Aliaune. 

http://jobs.aol.com/articles/2012/02/09/people-with-easy-to-pronounce-names-more-likely-to-succeed/?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl22%7Csec1_lnk1%26pLid%3D135234